Today was the hardest day yet.
But one thing is for certain, it was not because of the pain that I feel it was the hardest.
It was the incessant feelings of depression that were the toughest to deal with.
The constant “losing your best friend” philosophy. It’s all a big lie, but nicotine tries to persuade you differently.
I expected, because this was my 5th day of being smoke-free, that I’d wake up and shout for joy! I felt good inside, of course, but there was this dull, depressing feeling on top of that.
Instead of being energetic and active at work, I just basically worked through the motions, with no emotion whatsoever.
I even thought I was acting weird for what I’d accomplished so far, but I couldn’t shake it.
I wasn’t even that fun to work with, in my opinion.
It wasn’t a very good day, as I was dwelling on thoughts of “losing my best friend” and “the good old days.”
I knew this was going to be another one of those days in which I basically locked myself in my apartment, just so I wouldn’t leave and go buy cigarettes.
The main thing I have to realize is that I used to crave cigarettes when I was celebrating something, or feeling really good about something. I’m sure most can relate to that.
So, as these days are rolling on, I’m feeling better and better inside.
But, my prior self would be saying, “celebrate feelings of happiness WITH A CIGARETTE!”
Because I always used to smoke when something was exciting me.
Now that I feel so good because I don’t smoke anymore, all I want to do is smoke to celebrate the moment of feeling good.
How twisted does that sound?
My mind is trying to convince me to do the one thing that makes me feel worse, both physically and mentally. It doesn’t care if I feel better now.
It sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.
All it makes me concentrate on are the negative thoughts and “the loss of a dear friend.”
Of course I don’t remember why I’ve quit, all the goals I have, and what I am going to do with my life. I’m obsessed about “my old, fun past” and it’s depressing.
So, because of all that, I didn’t leave the house tonight. I stayed inside and dealt with the feelings.
Today is wasn’t feelings of physical pain, although there were a few random moments. I had about 4 or 5 of them.
The majority of the day, however, was mostly centered around the mental loss.
I needed a little bit more time.
There were still some things I needed to get through first before I quit for good.
One more night and I’d promise to go hard the next day and quit for good.
I needed to say goodbye one last time. I wanted to give myself one last reason to stop for good.
THOSE WERE MY FEELINGS!
It’s all a joke, really. I don’t need any of those things.
I don’t need to say goodbye EVER again. I’ve said goodbye 100’s of times and I’m absolutely sick of it.
I said goodbye for good 5 days ago, and I intend on sticking to that promise.