Today was the hardest day yet.
But one thing is for certain, it was not because of the pain that I feel it was the hardest.
It was the incessant feelings of depression that were the toughest to deal with.
The constant “losing your best friend” philosophy. It’s all a big lie, but nicotine tries to persuade you differently.
I expected, because this was my 5th day of being smoke-free, that I’d wake up and shout for joy! I felt good inside, of course, but there was this dull, depressing feeling on top of that.
Instead of being energetic and active at work, I just basically worked through the motions, with no emotion whatsoever.
I even thought I was acting weird for what I’d accomplished so far, but I couldn’t shake it.
I wasn’t even that fun to work with, in my opinion.
It wasn’t a very good day, as I was dwelling on thoughts of “losing my best friend” and “the good old days.”
I knew this was going to be another one of those days in which I basically locked myself in my apartment, just so I wouldn’t leave and go buy cigarettes.
The main thing I have to realize is that I used to crave cigarettes when I was celebrating something, or feeling really good about something. I’m sure most can relate to that.
So, as these days are rolling on, I’m feeling better and better inside.
But, my prior self would be saying, “celebrate feelings of happiness WITH A CIGARETTE!”
Because I always used to smoke when something was exciting me.
Now that I feel so good because I don’t smoke anymore, all I want to do is smoke to celebrate the moment of feeling good.
How twisted does that sound?
My mind is trying to convince me to do the one thing that makes me feel worse, both physically and mentally. It doesn’t care if I feel better now.
It sounds ridiculous, but it’s true.
All it makes me concentrate on are the negative thoughts and “the loss of a dear friend.”
Of course I don’t remember why I’ve quit, all the goals I have, and what I am going to do with my life. I’m obsessed about “my old, fun past” and it’s depressing.
So, because of all that, I didn’t leave the house tonight. I stayed inside and dealt with the feelings.
Today is wasn’t feelings of physical pain, although there were a few random moments. I had about 4 or 5 of them.
The majority of the day, however, was mostly centered around the mental loss.
I needed a little bit more time.
There were still some things I needed to get through first before I quit for good.
One more night and I’d promise to go hard the next day and quit for good.
I needed to say goodbye one last time. I wanted to give myself one last reason to stop for good.
THOSE WERE MY FEELINGS!
It’s all a joke, really. I don’t need any of those things.
I don’t need to say goodbye EVER again. I’ve said goodbye 100’s of times and I’m absolutely sick of it.
I said goodbye for good 5 days ago, and I intend on sticking to that promise.
Hey everyone, thanks a lot for sharing – makes me feel that I’m not alone.
Today is day 5, and I was having depressing thoughts around lost friendships, careerwise I wasn’t where I supposed to be..etc and got tempted to smoke but stopped myself thinking “maybe my mind is tricking me into smoking this way. And if I ‘reward’ these thoughts by smoking, then it may create more of these next time it wants me to smoke. To avoid unnecessary negative thoughts popping up in the future, I should break the cycle now” I hope this line of thinking helps someone else reading
Im also having similar thoughts. It just amazes me how conniving our thoughts can be to get us to light up. Stay aware. Stay strong.
So I’m day 5 now, cold turkey. Smoked 20 a day for decades. Day 2 and 3 I pretty much ate anything I could. Today feels a bit better and started healthy eating. What I’ve noticed is that a craving lasts about as long as it would have taken to have a cigarette, so know it won’t last forever. I know the nicotine is out of my system now and the battle is with myself, but I’ll win!
Day 5 for me and I am glad to have found this blog. I’ve quit before, but it is beginning to feel real this time. Thankfully, my day 5 wasn’t so bad. Days 1,2,3, and 4, I was horribly depressed to the point that I scheduled an appointment with a mental health professional. I’m now beginning to realize that it was the withdrawal that took me so low. We’ve got this y’all. Turning that corner feels amazing, and though hard times may befall us in the future. We are stronger than temptation. I believe in us.
Hi everyone day 5 for me here.
Day 3 was a nightmare
Day 4 was managable
Day 5 I had a really important job interview today and afterwards driving home in the car all i could think and feel was I NEED A SMOKE.
Not really feeling the depression so much but I am definitely feeling that lost feeling many on here have experienced, like Iv lost a friend or something.
Recently been suffering with lack of oxygen to the lungs at night times when led down and its gotton worse over the past 3 months, and my asthma is getting worse and worse these days too and I’m only 30. So this is what has prompted me to quit while I’m ahead and knock it all on the head.
Good luck everyone.
so glad i found this blog.. on day 5 and im in such a bad mood.. i feel so sad 🙁
me too. today is day 5 and all i could think about is smoking
i keep thinking of depressing things from the past, i try not to. then i just do my best to think of other things. its night now of my 5th day, we will see how tomorrow goes. lets hope this depressed feeling goes away. but other than that i feel better and i can breathe. does any one else have itching?
Alison Reeves says
Hey everyone, this helped me no end- thank you, hence leaving a reply also. DAY 5:- Awful. Feel horrible, hardest of the days with no doubt, nothing is helping, plus the weather is dreadful and the sky is grey- like my lood. So sorry to be so glum. Love you all, from Higham in Northamptonshire.
Day 5 here as well.
It is so cool to realise that day 5 sucks in general. Almost no one had a nice, relaxing day without nicotine today as I understand. Me included. What a day. I have almost relpased, but somehow stopped myself. I don’t know how – I was staring at the table in the restaurant, thinking about ordering some wine and of course in miy mind scoring some cigarettes from the smokers nearby. But I want to vegan pizzeria instead and ordered falafels and kombucha.
Today I left my job of two years, and… this was exceptionally hard thing to do. Felt emotional, sad, not ready to leave – all the difficult emotions and Yes. I just wanted to smoke them away. Drink them away. Meditated instead. So tired today of all this craving fighting. In bed hiding from the universe and cravings. Let’s see, maybe tomorow will be less tought than today,
I am on day 5 thank you for starting this blog it is exactally what I needed to read today, just to know I am not the only one that has struggled on this day. I do feel better each day that goes by physically but I still crave the feeling a cigarette will give me. I am a little less grumpy today which is good but I just feel emotional. I am doing this cold turkey but I think it’s the best way too go I can do this I just have to take each day as it comes.
Day 5 is hard. I live on my own and do a part-time job – I haven’t had to tell anyone I’ve quit. I’m lucky for the freedom to do this, whereas as times before it would have been near impossible being around people and stress.
I just feel so damn lonely and want to cry.
When I was younger much of the end came with day 4. I think now I am older and my health ain’t as good it’s harder to get the nicotine out of the body and mind.
Day 5 is hard is really hard. I wish someone could hold me.
coleen gordon says
OMG 3:15 am going into day 5, woke up sweating hard yuk . I could physically feel the sweat beading on my neck and face. got up and washed but I must have scrubbed to hard with the wash cloth as I have a burning sensation and red cheeks this morning. Already sweating again at 8:40 am, I will check in with an update tonight as I am jumping in the shower to wash off the toxins my body is pushing out….this is somehow the exciting part yuk
coleen gordon says
Stu you there, did you make it..hoping you did and hugs for you and everyone else…OMG day 5 was a piece of work for sure ouch. Trying to study for my level 3 first aid and wow this is interesting. Find myself reading the same thing over 2 and 3 times sooo not happening today. My eyes seem to be reacting to something, must be leaching out toxins weird (staring blankly lol). Best medicine for me was out to rake my lawn, lol not a weed left anywhere, talking to myself now and then hahaha the neighbors likely think I am nuts hahah whoosh made it. Hang in all you great people, we can do this. Day 6 lets see what you got .
I’m on day five now, I live alone too and oh, how sad I am today. Wish someone could hold me today. Saw your post and started crying. Hope you’re well Stu
dont worry i am going thru same feelings, crying over, touched by an angel, dont feel like going to work. 1-3 was the easiest, like a quest, now reality, no game anymore, or contest. real stuff noe. i smoke one on 3rd day. only one. but it really made me want more. oh well im here and doing it. we will see. i still have 3 cigs left on back porch. but im going to throw them away in 2 days. ha funny. I will.
Day 5. Omg struggling at the moment. Can’t wait for bedtime just have to keep telling myself hang in there. Have just been diagnosed with copd moderate so have to keep doing this. What a healthier longer life and cigarettes will only make the situation worse. No more smoking ever for me!
Ed McCurdy says
Went to Doctor and asked for a script for Chantix. The Co pay was $389.00. I left and told myself I will do the cold turkey way. Iam on day five so far so good. I keep thinking of having a cigarette. But myself tells me no way. I will take it one day at a time.
So im on chlomid because I don’t produce the female hormones necessary to get preggo… which is a hormonal roller coaster… but on top of it 5/6 nights ago I decided to quit chewing!!!! So my poor husband is not only dealing with a moody chlomid taker, but a moody non nicotine consuming chlomid taker lol!!!! I feel sooo bad for him.
I figured chlomid was already making me a bipolar lunatic, so I mine as well quit chew and get all the crazy done in 1 shot. But it is REALLLLLLLY hard. I’m out of sunflower seeds and jolly ranchers (that’s what I’ve been popping in my mouth when my brain says I want a chew). How much longer of this nonsense!!! I just don’t want to want a chew every 10 secs. Any more…. I can’t possibly eat any more jolly ranchers!!!!!!!
Try the nicotine patches they help!!!!
they do help, but keep you addicted. its like having a cig. they dont work, just prolong.
I am also on Day 5
I smoked for 10 years. Almost 20 cigg per day.
I am struggling very hard day by day.
Day 1 went with sleepless night,
Day 2 My brain feels empty i woke up with headache and spent whole day in anxiety, stress bunch of unexpected mixed feelings talking my self stupidly, i use to have irritation in the throat it reduced slowly, (its day 5 now no itching in throat). My skin on my face is little smoother and have glow, previously it was rough and little dark. Change in My Teeth & mouth Smell,Feels good.
Day 3 Felt very Bored dull no mood to meet anyone feeling depressed as if i lost some one, my every blink of mine was saying to go have one puff nothing will happen, no body gonna see it, however, i kept my self busy
Day 4 my stomach started bloating with horrible pain
Day 5 my stomach is paining a lot, horrible pain in my center of stomach and also in the abdomen, lot of pain in my stomach , my hands and legs r getting little cold where as the pain continues inside my stomach, i do not know why is it happening to me like that, its like some one put my stomach on fire. Continuing Day 5.. Spent a very horrible day in my life, Day 6 has started now…
i got used since 10 years, if i am happy smoke, if i am sad smoke, if angry smoke, if bored smoke, if wanna think smoke, if wanna talk to some one smoke, During breaks smoke, after eating smoke, before eating smoke, before sleeping smoke, after wake up smoke, smoke in bathroom, after coming out again smoke, waiting for some one smoke, i got used to it every time i use to smoke, Every time i get this one thing in my mind, it is okay to have one cigarette or one puff, my will power is being tested by myself, i am fighting myself to stop taking that one cigg/puff. I wish i quit it very soon, i hope these days never come back in my life again, its just a day 5…many more days to go…i was acting strange to myself, so i started searching in google, it leads to me here,
!!! May God Bless you all With good health and happiness in life!!!
Try the nicotine patches!! They help
you’re fighting against the nicotine addiction, why would you want to switch a nicotine product for another lmao, whats the point? just deal with the withdrawl symptoms and move on, you dont need more nicotine, it will only lead you to a relapse
I am day 5 very depressed did not expect this !
Greetings to Day 5. Spent last evening drinking beer and shooting pool with my fiancé and another couple, smokers all of them, and was really proud of myself for standing strong amidst the alcohol and cigarette smoke. But instead of feeling great this morning I cried my way to work. Thank you for the explanation. The losing a friend analogy is exactly how I felt. It’s helpful to know that it’s just part of the process.
Good job! But try the patches they help and pray
Hello Mateo, so glad I found you last night! I love what you are doing here, and the fact that you are encouraging people like me. I smoked for 21 years, and today is day 5 for me! So far ok. I just feel like someone unhappy has taken over my body, and it hurts to smile. I haven’t been as nice to my husband either. Day 4 I cried several times (and I am not a cryer). I couldn’t kick the depressed feeling I had. But back to today, day 5…the morning is the hardest for me because I really miss that first cig of the day. I work from home, so when I am not busy I get really down and want to smoke, but I refuse to give in and start all over again. Thank for being here!
Shamika Spencer says
Day 5 and its been pretty rough. Day 1. I cried myself to sleep. Day 2 I completely pissed ff my entire family. On day 3 my daughter graduated high school and day 4 she left home to live with her good for nothing father just to spite me. and now we come to day 5.I now have a new dog for my youngest to cope with her sister moving out, and I just want to smoke. Like some others the only thing that stops me from smoking is that I will have to start over. Here I go
Haight Street Heather says
Day 5 cold turkey and it’s been relatively easy this time. Have smoked since I was a teen and am now 48 almost 49. Have only had a few really hard craves in the 5 Days since I’ve stopped. During this time I’ve found out Im no longer going to receive child support, my flat mate found out he’s losing his job and two days ago my ex roommate committed suicide on mother’s day. Whew! When it rains it pours. Through all of that I still did not smoke or crave very much. I don’t know why and I don’t care. I’m just going to enjoy it and be grateful. God knows I’m going to need the extra cash for rent so yay for stopping smoking.
Went cold turkey now on Day 5. I don’t miss the smoking part of ingesting nicotine but the nicotine withdrawal has been uncomfortable. To cut down on smoking and still get my nicotine I got hooked on those 4 mg nicotine lozenges. Cold turkey on those to. Stomach ache and brain fog all day. Tomorrow will be better and it will be worth the temporary pain
How you doing? I’m on day five today the thought of smoking/not smoking is every thought I have.
Determined to do it though.
Day 5 for me, oh thanks a lot for these words! Since I woke up Ive had that feeling that I dont have a true friend at all. Of course its a big lie and now I can see Im not the only one who has to play this game. Stay strong everybody!
Day 5, here.( After hypnosis and never attempting to quit before). The struggle is REAL. I thought it would be getting better by now. I just know if I give in, I won’t see a day # 6, so onward I go!
Cravings getting less but stronger, i got adopted for most of them. Only one challenge is changing the lifestyle, changing the old friend with his great memories. I will keep my promise which i gave to my kids, no more smoking.
Jo Ward says
Day 5 and no cravings these last 5 days, just feeling down and empty.
Stephanie Kerr says
Hi I’m 5 1/2 days since my last cigarette. I decided I didn’t want a cigarette at 7pm on a Sunday night. It’s not been easy at all and I am having the GUT churning feelings for one. As soon as I have that feeling I’m having a glass of cold water and maybe a orange. Then brush my teeth. It is really helping with the block in my chest. My hardest thing is going for a walk with the dog, but that’s just the habit.
I hope you all manage to get past the block.
On day 5. My husband and I decided to quit smoking together. I’ve been smoking for 13 years. Its basically become part of me. But I’ve had enough. I’ve tried to quit smoking only a couple of times before.. Never got this far. I’ve made up in my mind.. I’m not going to smoke!! Things popped up today that were stressing me out and naturally I went for a cigarette. But, we got rid of all the cigarettes and I stopped myself. I honestly don’t even want one. Its just a habit. I’m going to keep pressing on!
Just finishing day 5, feel constantly on edge. My brain keeps on trying to sabotage me hopefully will get easier as the days go on. It does feel like part of me is missing hopefully that will go too. Bring on day 6
Day 5 and I’m so depressed. I’ve been in bad mood all day putting my family thru hell. I’m not really wanting too, I’m just depressed. I hope this gets better. I’ve been a smoker for 20 yrs; however i do feel a lot better just a bad day today.
ON MY 5TH DAY TODAY. I AM RELATING TO EVERYTHING HERE. CAN’T BELIEVE I’VE GONE 5 DAYS, AND I CAN’T BELIEVE I AM FEELING MORE LIKE CRAP NOW THAN ON DAY TWO. THE ONE THING I KEEP IN MIND IS THAT SMOKING IS A CHAIN REACTION, ONE LEADS TO THE NEXT SO IF I PUT ONE MORE IN MY MOUTH, THAT SMOKE WILL COST ME $80,000. I WILL MAKE IT THROUGH BUT MAN THIS IS SO HARD!
I’M on my 5th day too. this is the longest I have gone cold turkey in 10 years! I tried the gum/patches, not worth it. you’re still a nicotine addict after all.
so 5th day cold turkey. very depressed, I expected to feel on an upward curve after the 3rd day but this hasn’t happened. it’s the thought that just one puff would reset the clock that keeps me going!
tWIGGY MARTIN says
Day 5 for me. After 50 years of smoking I went cold turkey. It has been hell. The cravings are becoming shorter and not so severe but the depression I have today is awful . I thought I would be feeling better as the cravings got easier! I am hanging in there. Thanks Matt, you made me feel a bit better!
I am at day five and I am struggling. I smoked for 15 years. The last few days I kept smelling my fingers and my clothes and I thought I smelled good. The cash in my wallet is going out very slowly, too. But I still very badly want a smoke now! Help !
You have to keep fighting! You don’t badly want a cigarette, your addiction does. But YOU don’t. Why else would you be quitting if you didn’t want to smoke? Keep focusing on your goals and everything will get easier. The first week is called Hell Week for a reason. A couple more days and it will be MUCH easier to deal with. I promise.
I, TOO, WANT A CIGARETTE. I AM FINISHING UP DAY 5 AND I CAN FEEL A DIFFERENCE IN THE WAY I FEEL ALREADY. I TELL MY HUSBAND, “YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD TASTE REALLY GOOD? A CIGARETTE”. HE TELLS ME IT WON’T TASTE AS GOOD AS I THINK IT WOULD AND I TRY TO MOVE ON, BUT I AM TRYING SO VERY HARD. I JUST CAN’T SEE PAYING SO MUCH MONEY FOR SOMETHING THAT IS MAKING ME SO SICK. I HAVE SUFFERED FROM CHRONIC SINUS INFECTIONS SINCE NOVEMBER AND I AM TIRED OF IT. IT’S NOT THE NICOTINE I WANT, IT’S THE SOMETHING TO DO WITH MYSELF FOR THOSE FEW MINUTES WHILE I WAS “ENJOYING” A CIGARETTE.
Same here, but I am thinking to myself, I resisted 4 days now, Surely I can resist another day. I feel some kind of pride that I made it to day 5.
I take it day by day, rather than week by week, as that seems to me a too big a challenge and I know I would be so angry with myself if I failed.
Got to admit I am rather short tempered without the nicotine. When the craving is near unbearable I start doing some breathing exercises until the feeling passes. So far it helped me.
I try not to think about it at all, although the craving brings it into focus. Wish I could fast forward.
This is my 5th day. I can’t even explain the emotional crap going on inside my head. I hear that little voice telling me I wasn’t ready and it’s OK.. just go to the store.. just have one. It will make me feel better. I know it won’t and the struggle to go through this process again, well I refuse to do that. So I pace the floor and know that tomorrow will be 6 days.
Keep up the good work! It certainly gets easier in Week 2. You’re in the worst part right now.
coleen gordon says
Hey Mateo, Coleen here and I just want to thank you for putting up this blog, you are changing lives Congrats You are My Hero for sure. Day 5 cold turkey, will blog tonight on how my day went…Thanks Mateo and hang in everyone…we can do this 🙂 PS been smoking since I was 16 and turning 60 soon…bucket list. Watching people die again and again pisses you off. I am thinking once again how fricken dumb can I be to spend $17 bucks a day to kill myself. So after all this living and countless attempts at quitting just to give in again and again is pathetic and as I was saying watching loved ones or anyone for that matter die from these stinking sticks of poison is beyond disgusting. Our governments should be charged with attempted murder grrrr. In the mean time let’s all keep our chins up and soldier on, it is a war and I am ready for the fight….pissed Ty Mateo for listening (Canada)
Day 5 just COMPLETED 🙂
I smoked since I was 13 yrs old, I quit in August 2015 and relapsed Xmas 2016 so I’ve been smoking for 3.5 months. I still can’t believe “just one” would take almost 4 months to stop. I can’t really count on anyone’s support either as this is just one more relapse and no one takes me seriously anymore. It was extremely hard to stop smoking in Aug 2015 but not so hard this time. I’m really doing fine but I need to control the stress levels otherwise I’ll end up smoking again.
Day 5 here also.
It’s like water torture. I just want to stop thinking about smoking.
Longest quit I’ve had is 6 months. I know it gets easier so I just keep reminding myself that eventually you wont “miss” them. Eventually the smell isn’t appealing. I got complacent and caved last time when I forgot the struggle of quitting.
Not this time – never smoking again. Every craving you are retraining yourself. You don’t need this. You don’t actually enjoy this. You are an addict.
Stay strong folks – you got this!
How are you doing now Rob?
Day 5 for me too!!! I am so super proud as I have not cheated and resisted that little voice saying you can cheat and have just have one more….
Who will know?????!!!! I will know!!! I have worked bloody hard to get here. The mantra – not one puff, not ever is great for me. Plus I remember all the times that one puff led me back to 20 a day. More wasted time wanting to quit after. I will fight this, it can be done, thousands do it each year!
kellianne strayhorn says
Day 5 for me and my feelings are SIMILAR to yours. I keep telling myself 1 day 1 minute at a time. This is the first time I truthfully ever really quit without cheating. Let’s remember the bigger picture: we really need to lead a HEALTHIER life and this is one way to start. Good luck!