Today was another day filled with intense physical withdrawal. Where one day everything seems to be going perfect, the next is a total nightmare.
I swear every time I have a night off from work I sit at home and obsess about smoking, over and over until I’m literally almost out the door.
Luckily, I made it once again.
Tonight was one of those “body shutting down” types of nights. I’m having trouble breathing, my stomach is distended, and I’m wheezing.
Yesterday was fine, but today is the exact opposite.
A few hours ago I was literally obsessing over relapsing.
I thought, “well, I’ve made it this far, I can make it this far again. My parents are coming in 3 weeks, I can smoke tonight and jump right back on the bandwagon tomorrow and have 3 full weeks to quit.”
This is what was going through my mind.
That’s how nicotine normally gets you.
It finds loopholes in your everyday life. It makes you believe you should be doing other things, and to do those other things involves smoking.
Nicotine never admits it’s the root cause of all my pain and sorrow.
But, that couldn’t be further from the truth.
It’s just one gigantic lie, day after day.
No, I don’t need to smoke to enjoy my favorite TV show. No, I don’t need to smoke to celebrate feeling better everyday.
No, I don’t need to smoke for an hour or two before bed, and then quit tomorrow.
No, I don’t need to smoke right now because I might want to in a month down the road when I’m on vacation.
It’s all just lies!
It’s just mind games, and nicotine is to blame.
Breathing problems are awful, though. I can’t explain why my stomach is distended and sticking out right now, but it is.
I have definite shortness of breath, and I’m wheezing. I feel like I need an inhaler to open up my lungs.
Sadly, I don’t have one, so I have to suffer for the remainder of the night.
About 7 years ago I got bronchitis, and it was cigarette’s fault.
I literally took myself to the emergency room because I could barely breathe. It was much worse before than it is now, although now is pretty bad as well.
But, bronchitis is like breathing through a straw 24 hours a day.
It’s impossible to accomplish anything. Even eating and drinking is tough because it requires too much activity and movement.
I remember getting winded brushing my teeth because the movement of my right arm from left to right made me so tired.
I repeatedly had to stop and catch my breath.
You would think I would’ve stopped forever after that. I did quit for a lengthy time period, but nicotine found its way back into my life, and here I sit today, 7 years later, with a distended stomach, and having difficulties breathing.
This has got to stop!
I’m sick of the pain, I’m sick of the stomach aches, and the breathing problems, and the freaking out, and the endless obsessions of “living it up one more night.”
I’ve said it a 1000 times.
Luckily, I have no real desire for a cigarette right now. I can barely breath, and it hurts, so there is no way I want to make it any worse than it already is.
This week is going by fast, though. I’m almost to my 2 week mark! Then one more week and nicotine will be out of my body forever.
That will be such a fantastic feeling of accomplishment.
NO YOU CAN’T!
One drag puts the addiction right back into your mind, and spreads nicotine throughout your body.
You may throw the cigarette down in anger, but 30 minutes later and you’ll be obsessing about it all over again.
The nightmare has returned.
You may even buy a pack that same day. You might even smoke more than before (to make up for lost time).
I can’t wait for the day when I don’t feel any physical withdrawal ever again. I know it’s coming. I have to believe that it’s coming.
I have to stay strong!